thanks for that, i also found "jconsole", that also monitors the heap mem and seems a bit more lightweight.
now i was making some tests, but it seems that the memory settings in java_args.txt totally get ignored. the only setting that affects the heap size is the maximum memory in processing's preferences. also when i export it as an app.
here 2 screenshots.
java_args.txt (located in the scetches 'data' folder) has this setting:
-Xms528m -Xmx1000m
this i get with processing set to 1024MB in preferences:

and this with processing set to 24 MB in prefs:

seems like 64 is the minimum you can go.
and the 1000M max in the txt file are ignored.
which then lets me wonder: that sketch that crashed last night after 5,5 hrs already had 1024MB heap size, because i had the preferences set all the time to 1024MB.
how can a crash happen? i let it run again today for 4 hours and heap didn't exceed 60MB.
mhhh.